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House of Cards King of Da World By Mark Ewert Ok, so some of you thought my last column, about the trials and tribulations of Drew Barrymore, was a little ... fruity. All right, you vultures, just for that, I'm going to get all dry and political on yo' ass. Here I go, I'm pulling cards for the top three mayoral candidates. I WAS going to do a reading on Cher, but oh no ... So I hope you're all satisfied. Maybe next time I'll pull a few cards about Hegelian dialectics, how would you like that? Go on, just get out of here, go, go ... Candidate #1: Willie Brown The World (total success, triumph in all undertakings) God, can I draw again? Well, folks, according to my cards, which know all, nothing short of world domination is going to please the politician formerly known as Da Mayor. And nothing and no one can stand in his way. I'm moving to Mars before the rents for apartments all over Planet Earth triple and Willie's big-business buddies franchise Rainforests-R-Us. Candidate #2: Frank Jordan The Nine of Swords (mental anguish, remorse) Mr. Jordan is going to fall apart mid-campaign when, like Scrooge in A Christmas Carol, he is confronted by nightly visions of all his dirty deeds the last time he was mayor. He will try to go on meds, but they will not help. Crippled by guilt, he'll have a fatal heart attack while posing for a trumped-up photo shoot with actors portraying shiny happy homeless people. Candidate # 3. Clint Reilly The Nine of Swords, again! (Dudes, I shuffled and everything!) Truth to tell, I don't know much about Clint Reilly except that he bought up all these website domain names so his opponents couldn't use them, like williebrown.com. I suppose I COULD do a little more research on the guy, but why bother? He's going to have a stroke or a hernia or something and keel over just like Frankie-boy, so what more do you need to know? Besides, once Lord Willie is World Emperor, all political discussion will henceforth be considered doubleplusungood thoughtcrime, so end of discussion. See you on Mars. Mark Ewert is a professional card reader and can be reached for readings at 415.252.9321. To submit topical questions, email [email protected] [ San Francisco | MetroActive Central | Archives ]