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B-MovieTheater The Metreon, hell and feng shui By Tracie Broom The Metreon is a terrible public space. Most pressing is the need to redefine the Metreon's center space, since the current building layout is scattered and dispersed. The Metreon's energy is too bundled up and stretched out. We need to see that potential energy break out and engulf the shopper even after she's set herself down in front of a Microsoft Store mini-laptop to check her Hotmail (which is the only thing anyone does in the Microsoft Store anyway, Mister Bill Smarty-Pants Gates). The first thing that needs to be done is to excavate beneath that red car that Mercury's displaying in the middle of the lobby. Let's rip out the ultra-mod flooring--1,300 square feet or so should do it--and install a wishing well there, a very deep one. I'd like to decorate the well, actually, with items from the Discovery Channel store, the only Metreon destination worth its salt. A small bamboo forest will work on the nature tip while aligning visually with the Metreon's sleek rails and light fixtures. San Franciscans and tourists alike will love the 600 copper-patina windchimes tinkling just below the balcony's edge, barely brushing a serene, crystalline water garden. Courtesy of South to the Future, the wishing well will be filled with gallons of cold HQ2O, fresh from the fountains of cyberspace. Above the wishing well, we'll drill upward through the movie theaters to create a four-story cavern which connects directly to every part of the facility. This will initialize a new era of alfresco movie watching (a la Foreign Cinema), as some theaters, of course, will be open to the cavern's gaping maw. This wishing pool and hovering cavern will serve as the spiritual hub which the present Metreon so greatly lacks. The energy feels half-decent only in the food court. Though the eateries are jammed too tightly together and the light is too low, the menus at the fancy noodle joint, beefy American grill, pricey Italian grill and sleek Japanese joint are a welcome respite from the days of mall fodder from China Express and Sbarro. Jillian's is actually a pretty great sports bar. While Montage's menu boasts nouvelle American-Asian cuisine and fat, round booths, I don't imagine that many San Francisco dates will start off with "How would you like to go to the mall for dinner?" I'll tell you one more thing--the family eatery In the Night Kitchen is where Maurice Sendak's soul got popped straight into the oven, right along with those tiny $8 personal pan pizzas that are left half-finished on every table. My suggestion is to remove the eateries entirely. As if the racehorse-skinny celebrity cult isn't enough, consider the fact that halfway stylish clothiers don't even cut clothes above a size 10. If America wants to look good in this tight little modern world, America need not eat one more thing. Regarding the interior decor, the abundance of matte silver railing and taut, grommeted canvas is certainly fine-looking and, as we all know, shiny objects mean good feng shui. Since red accents promote energy flow, we ought to dot the upper sight zones with a smattering of those tasteful little red paper "lucky coin" envelopes you find up in Chinatown. I would discourage the Metreon's visual merchandisers from emblazoning each envelope with the logo of the Metreon, but it probably can't be avoided. Finally, I propose that MUNI build a high-speed tunnel system to connect local public schools with the Sony PlayStation store. That way, our friendly teenage video rats won't even have to see the light of day as they wend their way toward their favorite free ultra-3D super-destructo games, thus clearing bus seats for the stiletto-crippled ladies of San Francisco n [ San Francisco | MetroActive Central | Archives ]