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Looking for love while browsing the classifieds.
By Sara Peyton
It wasn't too long ago that Les Villanyi nearly despaired of ever finding the love of his life. Like that of a growing number of men and women, his marriage had been brief, resulting in one daughter and ending in 1985. An available Southern California executive, yes, but Les' hectic work schedule and business traveling left him little time to meet women. Later, a move to San Francisco and purchase of a home in a residential area isolated him further. That's when Les, now 41, turned to Bay Area newspaper personals in the hope of meeting single women.
"I wrote a couple of ads, but nothing really went on. Finally on Dec. 31, 1989, I vowed I would find my mate and get married in 1990. I sat down and wrote a very narrow ad." This was the heartfelt ad that flew out like cupid's arrow, piercing the heart of Les Villanyi's future bride:
Les, currently a regional manager for a software development company, received only four responses, far fewer than from his earlier, more generic ads. The first three women were nice, but the meetings were emotionally flat. No sizzle. Then on Jan. 31 he walked into a San Francisco restaurant to meet Beth, a "very pretty woman with a beautiful smile," recalls Les with a gush of teenage fervor. "We talked for hours and with such enthusiasm we were almost chortling with glee. The mesh was remarkable." Beth Villanyi, 39, a software technical writer, also liked ballroom dancing and spicy food. They enjoyed a whirlwind romance and within a few weeks on Feb. 19 became engaged. "It was perfect. So we thought, Why should we wait?" says Les.
Beth agrees. "I would advise people trying personals not to give up hope. I might have gone on 20 dates before I met Les, and several of them were dates from hell. In fact, the day before I went out with him I was going to cancel. But he called me to confirm first, and I didn't have the heart not to go through with it. When he walked through the door and I saw his smile, I knew it was worth it. We immediately hit it off. It was great. It was like being in high school again."
Since marrying, the Villanyis have bought a home in Petaluma and settled into wedded bliss.
But let's be serious. Are we to believe that the single, divorced, or widowed who are finding it tough to meet romantic partners with their eyes open have a prayer of attracting their soul mates with a few lines of prose in a newspaper's classified section? Well, dating and meeting folks in the '90s isn't as simple as it used to be, complain those who are still at it.
For the health conscious, hanging out in dim, stinky bars is out. But even if you enjoy sitting on a stool and nursing drinks today's single females are far less likely to respond favorably to standard pickup lines. Don't expect smiles from a "What's your sign?" query at health clubs either. "Women don't like to be hit on when their exercising," says Les. "The beauty of personals is you can do it safely from your own home, completely by mail, email, or voice mail, and until you're satisfied that the person you're going to meet has some chance of filling your expectations, you don't have to reveal who you are." Personals increase the odds of meeting a harmonious friend, adds Les.
And with employers frowning on company love affairs and single co-workers afraid of disclosure or worse, romance has been locked out of one of its most fertile playgrounds the office.
So, secretaries use personals. Also marketing specialists. Even business managers and technical writers do it. But wait. Let's be honest. Aren't personals the last resort of the desperate, the lonely, and the unattractive? Don't you find them buried in kinky underground newspapers, girlie and muscle magazines, kind of a step above writing your name and phone number on public restroom walls?
Not today. In weekly newspapers nationwide, personals are scanned as frequently as events calendars. For women looking for women, men looking for men, and women and men looking for the opposite sex, the personals may be just the ticket. Sometimes promoted as a community service, they're fast replacing the corner bar, health club, and even the local senior center as the best way to meet new people. Senior center? Yep. As the burgeoning numbers of baby boomers, aging studs, and fitness mavens alike creep past their 54th year, they've become some of the most frequent users of personals.
New technology, especially voice mail, makes personals much more available to a growing number of singles who might have avoided them in the past. Although personals have been around for hundreds of years, passing through some overtly kinky phases, over the past three to five years almost every daily in the country has developed a personals section, explains Joni Sussman, director of client services for a Minnesota-based company, MicroVoice. Described as an audiotext company, MicroVoice creates a variety of interactive voice programs for the publishing industry and is the service used by The Independent.
"Dailies were the last to get into the personals business. But once dailies started, virtually overnight personals became acceptable," says Sussman. Most include voice mail. Many papers also upload their personals along with the rest of the day's news on various online services, including Internet and America Online, vastly expanding the potential numbers of readers.
The reason personals have taken off is simple. With 49 million single Americans, services geared specifically toward single people are growing rapidly. "Whether it's personals, health clubs, or church clubs, singles are definitely a specific market," says Sussman, adding that in the past most businesses were aimed at the nuclear family market. The personals business joins a growing family of businesses geared specifically toward single Americans.
And you don't have to be young to participate. In fact, those who fall into the 18 to 24 age group, 29 percent of singles, are the least likely to use personals or any type of dating service "Their lifestyles typically make it easier to meet people," explains Sussman.
What about blind dates arranged by family and friends? Fun for teens, perhaps, but for single parents juggling careers and carpool schedules, there's little time to rid the car of old banana peels to go meet mom's latest find. In fact, personals offer a far less expensive and anxiety-provoking method than encountering strangers on the infamous first date, insists Sussman.
Nor do you have to be looking for someone to cuddle by firelight. Once reserved for romance, personals are used to find all kinds of people, says Sussman--a new tennis partner, a hiking buddy, or, for someone new to an area, new friends.
Each newspaper sets standards to define the type of ads it will or won't accept. Typically those standards reflect community and readership values. Most of the new crop of publications developing personal sections exclude explicit ads from people seeking sex only or from married people looking for illicit affairs.
Adds Sussman: "Now that personals are in the dailies the stigma has gone away. The new technology has made it much more fun and enjoyable for people. You don't have to write letters or bother to address an envelope and find stamps. Personal ads enjoy a high rate of renewal."
Well, how do today's personals work? The system used for the Talking Romance Ads sections at The Independent is typical of newspaper personal columns says Sussman. It's free to place the newspaper ad, record a greeting in the personal voice mailbox, and retrieve voice-mail responses to ads. Sussman advises a simple, friendly greeting that asks callers to answer some questions about themselves. Those who wish to respond to an ad, call a 900 number (which is usually how personals generate revenue for newspapers) and leave a message in the voice mailbox.
All initial contacts are anonymous. "Women especially like the voice mailbox because they can meet many people without meeting them specifically. Hearing a voice says something about the person as well. Is the voice strident or soft?"
Keni Mae Meyer, 30, in Occidental met some new friends through the personals. "I'm looking for compatibility in a relationship, and it's kind of hard to find someone as eccentric as I am." She has placed ads in search of either a male or a female. "I'm not interested as much on what the person is but who the person is."
Through personals she met several new friends she wouldn't have crossed paths with in her daily life. "I tend to be kind of shy and it's hard for me to meet people. Personals are very straightforward. What came out of those meetings was friendship. I'm open to other relationships, too, something more than friendship."
Sebastopol resident and marketing representative Mark Feldman, 47, has also made new friends during the six months he's placed personals in local papers. But he's still looking, too. "I'm looking for someone I can share my life with, someone of like mind and interest. I'm a nature-loving vegetarian. I'm not a smoky-bar type of person."
Voice-mail personals suit his nature, says Feldman. He likes hearing the voice and knowing that someone has taken the trouble to respond to his ad with care. "I'm disappointed but not discouraged," says Feldman. "Maybe I'm not writing the right words."
Maybe he should take a class. Now big boosters of personals, both Villanyis plan to teach classes on how to write effective personal ads. Les plans to lead a workshop, "Meeting Your Mate Through the Personals," offered through the Sebastopol Community Center on Feb. 21. "I love married life, and I think there are an awful lot of single people who want to find that special someone. Personals are one way to go about it." Beth plans to teach a similar class, with the same title, for America Online. You can register for the class through AOL's Interactive Educational Services department.
Les Villanyi recommends writing ads that pinpoint who you are and what you're looking for. "For example, I have retro-musical tastes and don't mesh with the heavy-metal types out there." In other words nearly everyone claims to enjoy a romantic walk on the beach and candlelight dinners, but not everyone adores Perry Mason marathons or dining on Thai food.
Be realistic. "On America Online many of the ads are terrible. Women say they're looking for CEO types who are financially secure. Men say they want Barbie-doll types and are very specific about appearance in a way that turns most women off," says Les. In fact, he doesn't recommend people mention their looks much in ads. "That makes it sound like your basing your choice on appearance and the rest of the person doesn't count."
Be honest. If you're looking for a long-term relationship, say so.
Place ads in your local area and in a publication that more or less reflects your interests, your politics, your values, or whatever other criteria you feel are important in a relationship. It's also possible to target your area of interest, from bodybuilding to car-parts, but geography often limits your choices in national or regional magazines.
Finally, don't take a rejection too hard. It's all a numbers game, so try again. "You might go out with some people who tell you honestly that you're not their type," explains Les. "That hurts, but on the other hand what you're interested in is honesty. From what I've seen, single people are sick and tired of the dating scene and are looking for honesty."
Melanie Ward, 31, former manager of the personal ad sections for two county papers, agrees. "The kindest thing you can say is 'I don't think we're suited for each other.'" She recommends keeping expectations to a what she calls a "raging minimum" and limiting the time commitment on the first meeting. "Don't schedule a whole evening with someone you've never met. Get to know them over coffee. You can always extend it from there." And, of course, use some common sense in choosing the time and location of your first few meetings.
As a rule, women are much more likely to place an ad than to respond to one. Women also receive far more responses to their ads than men do. "Men should be realistic in their expectations of responses," she adds. "I met a guy last year when I placed an ad. We went out for nine months. The relationship didn't work out, but that's not the ad's fault. It worked for me."
So that's it. Take your time. Relax and enjoy yourself. And remember, whether you long for a companion with whom to canoe down the Russian River this summer, boogie to Johnny Otis, go mountain biking, do some wine tasting, or are just looking for someone to bounce along with on your backyard trampoline, the personals may offer the best new way to meet your special valentine this year.
And for the rest of us, they're a hell of a good read.
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From the Sonoma Independent
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