Secrets of Speed Seduction

Lament not the passing of the 1970s-epoch "swinger": The oily cad is alive and well and oozing smarm on the Web. Super-lothario Ross Jeffries--who is proud to report that he's been shouted down by audiences on "Geraldo" and "Donahue"--has brought his "guaranteed" techniques for bedding babes (actually, he's pushing his pricey mail-order "study course" and even pricier seminars) to the Internet in his none-to-subtle Secrets of Speed Seduction site. No, Jeffries isn't purposely parodying himself (at least we don't think he is) in this Web infomercial. But this site is worth a visit thanks to unintentional kitsch levels that are in direct proportion to Jeffries's out-of-control hormones. In case you don't get the point in speedy fashion, the self-appointed "chairman of the babes" offers a pink background graphic featuring a willing harem's worth of big jugs. Beyond that the site is mostly marketing text with helpful order forms popping up on every other screen. All of the patented (well, maybe the patents are still pending) Jeffries tricks and techniques are teasingly outlined here: "Messing with her sense of time so it seems like she's already been in love with you for months when you've only known her just a few minutes!!!"; "Getting her fish so wet she slides off the chair and eagerly drops to her knees"; "Using weasel phrases to get into her mind (and pants!)." Even though the aspiring womanizer will have to squirt up some hard cash for the videos, books and other paraphernalia Jeffries is selling, philanderers with more hormones than money can rest assured in knowing that the full-text of Jeffries's bimonthly "Get Laid" newsletters is here for free. Learn the fine art of "How to pick up a truckload of women, ANYTIME! ANYWHERE!!" and "How To Induce A Hypnotic Trance In 3 Minutes Or Less And NEVER Get Caught!" And like the newsletter and the truckloads of chicks, the abundant exclamation points are also free, babe!!!! In case you find Jeffries's tips a tad hard to believe, satiated customers offer Penthouse Forum-like testimonials to Speed Seduction's utility. Now will someone please turn a garden hose on the overheated Dean of Dames? (JW)

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